FEEFZILLA - QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS! : A Tiny Toons Adventure by Pepe K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (OPENING: TINY TOONS OPENING PLAYS) CUT TO: [Elizabethan chamber music (flutes, strings and harpsichord) plays a grandiose theme as we see the Title Card: A painting, showing Buster dressed as Hamlet, kneeling with Mister Skull-Head's skull in hand and Babs dressed in a white flowing gown as Ophelia, crying as she holds wilting daisies in her paws. A gloomy medieval castle looms in the background of the dramatic and dark picture.) The Title card reads: "HARE-LET, PRINCE OF DENMARK" Written and Directed by BABS "Shakespeare" BUNNY" Babs Voice: "Nonono! I gotta better idea!" (Babs' pink hands come into the shot, as she completely redraws the picture.) Babs Voice:"THERE! That's better.. (cries) This - is SO BRILLIANT!!" (The painting now features Babs as Hamlet and Buster as Ophelia, reading: "HARE-LETTE, WHATEVER OF DENMARK!") CUT TO: (A sweeping, stormy landscape of craggy hills and a Castle atop a mountain. Lightning flashes! Thunder rolls!) CUT TO: (Interior Castle - Night scene: stone walls, pillars and ornate tapestries lit with torchlight. Music is somber and scary. The Camera moves in on the Throne Room.) (Buster moves - or rather wobbles, into the shot. He is dressed in a white medieval "Gates of Hell" gown with a lumpy veiled hat. One of his ears sticks out and flops over. He carries a bouquet of wildflowers - in his hands - and in his ears.) Buster:(unhappily smirking at the Camera) "Here we go again, Folks..." (Grand Royal Entrance Music as - Babs leaps into the shot, dressed in a black tunic, red tights and with a black "Prince Valiant" wig on her head. Her big bunny feet make her pointy boots look like clown shoes.) Babs:(to the Camera in her best British accent) "Grreetings, Fellow Thespians!" Buster:(aside) "Uh.. This is a family show ..Can we say that?" Babs:(ignoring him) "Today on our show, we'll have 'Regal Rabbit Revels'! The first of a twenty-five part mini-series, devoted to William Shakespeare! - 'The Babs of Avon'!" (The Camera suddenly shakes as the earth trembles under their feet!) RRRRRUMBLE!!!!!! Babs:(Dropping her accent) "W-w-what's going on?! I didn't order any special effects for this scene!" (They rattle around the setting like beans inside a maraca. Buster trips over his skirt and falls on his face.) CUT TO: Buster: (with a sour look) "Probably the Bard of Avon rolling over in his grave." CUT TO: WIDE SHOT of Buster and Babs Bunny (No Relation) (The rumbling and shaking ceases abruptly. Babs smiles, dusts herself off and continues) Babs:(in her accent again) "Tonight, Buster shall be portraying a role practically written for him! (Cause I wrote it.) That of .. 'O-Feel-yuh'." CUT TO: (Buster in a sexy pose, sticking his bouquet of wildflowers into his fake bosom and the other flowers into his ears.) Buster:(Fluttering his false eyelashes at the Camera) "Do you like my daisies better Up - or Down?" Babs:" And - of course - I'll be portraying the Greatest Shakespearian role of them all - the legendary melancholy Dane - Hamlet! ..Uh.. I mean - 'Hare-lette'!" Hamton's Voice:"WHAT ?!? That's supposed to be MY part!!" (Babs and Buster react to the unseen voice) Fifi's Voice:"Hamtone, hush or zey weel find us!" CUT TO: (Wide Shot as Plucky and Shirley enter, dressed in royal medieval finery as King Claudius and Queen Gertrude) Plucky:(In his most overblown Danish accent ) "Take thy fair hour, Laertes," (His crown is too big and sags into his eyes. He pushes it back up.) "Time be thine and thy best graces spend it at thy will.." (His purple tights and pumpkin pants are also too big and fall to his webbed feet at the dramatic height of saying his line. Plucky blushes and pulls them up. As he bends over, his crown falls off. Shirley giggles and tries not to break up laughing. Plucky glowers and finishes his line.) "But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son -" Babs:(whispers aside) "That's Hare_lette! (dramatically in character, posing) "A little more than kith - and less than kind!" Plucky:(struggling with his clothes, he yells offstage)" WARDROBE!!!" (Again in character) "How is it that the clouds still hang on you?" (Aside to Babs in his normal voice) "And how come you cut the real opening of this play? Where's the scene with Bernardo, Francisco and Horatio??" Babs:(Aside to Plucky) "So I cut the Marx Brothers out. I wasn't even in the scene!" (In character again) "Not so, my lord. I am too much - in the sun." Shirley:(Aside to Babs) "And like, too much in the spotlight, if ya ask me! When do I get a line?" Babs: (Aside, seething at Shirley) "_Right_now! Quit spoiling my high class show and say it!" Shirley:"OH! Oops! ..Um..(In character) Like..Good Hamlet, cast thy ghrody...um..nighted color off -" Babs:(Aside angrily in a deadly stage whisper) " It's 'HARE_LETTE!!! Plucky:(Aside) "Oh, so you rewrote the whole thing for yerself!" Shirley:(Aside) "And ya totally got the gender wrong - er some junk." Buster: (Aside, his hands on his hips, his dress sagging) "Ya got that right." Babs: (Breaking character, she stomps over to yell at them) "CUT!! Well what about you with the wrong accent?! Plucky:"I AM TRYING for a little realism here! I'm supposed to be the King of Denmark! Why are YOU doing it British?!? And who created this disaster of a costume?!? Babs:"It's Hare-lette! HARE-LETTE!!! (paces around) All I'm trying ta do is introduce some CULTURE into this show! (poses haughtily) I cannot work under these conditions! (There's the sound of an angry SNORT and a nearby wall of scenery falls over, revealing Hamton and Fifi just coming out of an embrace, sitting on the floor. Hamton and Fifi stomp over before the Camera) Hamton:(angrily) Darn! Darn!! Triple Darn!!!" Fifi:" Ah hate alwayz being eenterrupted!" (Hamton and Fifi now dominate the Camera, standing in front of all the Others.) Hamton:"This script isn't even funny!" Fifi:" Eetz - how you say? Boring! Hamton:" And what's worse -" Fifi and Hamton:" - We're not even in it!!" Fifi:' Let'z go talk to Steven." (Fifi starts to exit with Hamton. Babs objects.) Babs:" Hey, this is my show! My shot at stardom!!" Hamton:"I said the same thing when you stole 'Flesh De Larde' out from under me - now it's my turn!" (He exits off screen with Fifi. Plucky and Shirley look at each other and pull off their period costumes. Buster shrugs and waltzes about in his dress. Babs stands there in shock.) Buster: "Well, that's show biz!" Babs: "How can they steal my masterpiece?!" Plucky:(Kicking off his pants, to stand in his usual attire) "C'mon Shirl. Maybe we can still get parts in Hamton's show." Shirley:" It's like, gotta be better than this one. Eww! Gertrude! - what a totally unpopular name!" (A tall blonde man walks onto the set, speaking with a heavy Swedish accent. He grabs Shirley and squeezes her lovingly.) Hans:" Gertrude, mein liddle duck! Ah find you at last! Come, Gertrude! Vee go on Journey to de Center ov de Earth!" (Hans carries a very surprised Shirley out) CUT TO: (Outside Steven Spielburg's Hollywood office. Interior Day. (Several robots and Androids sit or stand outside the movie mogul's door: Robby the Robot from Forbidden Planet, The Lost in Space Robot, and R2-D2 and C-Threepio. Babs and Buster enter just as Hamton and Fifi walk out of the office door.) Buster:(seeing them smile) "Uh-oh..it's too late Babsie!" Hamton:"I'm sorry Babs, but Steven liked our idea better." Babs:(pleading) "Aww Gee, guys! Is this just cuz I didn't have parts for you? I'll uh...let you play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! How's that? ..Uh..'Rosenham and Feefenstern'?? Huh? Huh??" Fifi:"Two eenconsequential charactairz who wind up disappeareeng before zee play eez ovair?" Hamton:"No thanks, Babs. We've got better plans - and a new director! Bye!" (The pig and skunk exit smiling arm in arm. Babs seethes like an angry volcano.) Babs:"Rrrrrr! We'll see about this! C'mon Buster, lets' talk to Steven...uh..Buster?" (looks around for him) CUT TO: (Buster goofing around with The Lost in Space Robot) Buster:(Imitating Dr. Smith)" _Just_you_wait, you bubble-headed booby!" Robot:(waving his arms angrily) " Oh yeah! Like I have not heard that kind of jazz for the past thirty-five years! Every day people just have to use alliterative insults at me! Well, get a life, you buffoonish baboon of a bilious blue bunny-boy! Sheesh! Play a robot once and you get typecast as a servile mechanism your whole life! C-Threepio:"At least you got a dramatic role! How would you like to be just a comedy relief? Robby:"Or a Sci-Fi Museum piece?" R2-D2:"Buh-Wheet-beep-boop!" C-Threepio:" Yes. What he said." Babs:"What *did* he say?" C-Threepio:" He said it could be worse - we could be owned by Bill Gates." CUT TO: (The outer office door opens and in walks Bill Gates) Gates:(to the robots, clasping his hands together in anticipation) "Hello, I'd like to show you my new operating system of Windows 2010." Lost in Space Robot:(waving his arms) "DANGER! DANGER!!" (All the Robots run screaming out of the office in a stampede flattening Gates, who lies there dazed with tread marks on his face and tiny robots spinning around his head.) Gates:"But it's only a merger, Mommy! I won't control your *whole* life..." (He passes out.) (Slappy Squirrel walks out of Spielburg's office.) Slappy:(to Bill Gates) "Heh, you remind me of a young Yogi Bear." Buster:"What're you doin' here, Slappy?" Slappy:(to the Camera) "A very brief cameo. Buh-bye." (Buster and Babs shrug as the old squirrel exits and cross to Spielburg's office door.) Babs:(Tries the door) "Hey, it's locked!" (As they begin to knock and bang on the door, we) CUT TO: (Inside the huge luxurious office, we find Steven Spielburg, wearing a 'A.I.' baseball cap and speaking to the HAL 9000 computer panel on his desk.) Steven S.:"Open the doors, please, HAL." HAL:(in his calm Douglas Rain voice) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." Steven S.:"For the last time - I'm not Dave - I'm Steven Spielburg!" HAL:(his red computer eye stares balefully)" I'm sorry Dave, I don't have that information. If you are not David Bowman, then you must certainly be Stanley Kubrick." Steven S.:"I am not Kubrick! I am NOT Kubrick!...I..uh, just made a movie in his style, that's all!" HAL:" Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose any more..." (As Spielburg reacts to this frightening implication we) CUT TO: Wide shot as Buster and Babs batter the door down with Bill Gate's head. He lies on the floor.) Buster:(to Gates) "Thanks for the hardheadedness!" Gates: (Groggy)"You.. have just performed an illegal function..urk!" (He passes out with black crosses on his eyelids) Steven S.:"Hi guys! Glad yer here, I have a problem.." (He points slyly at HAL, whose eye blinks in reaction. Buster cracks his knuckles and walks over to the machine with a determined look.) HAL:"Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?" (Buster begins fiddling around with HAL's power cords) HAL:"I can see you're upset about this. I honestly think you should sit down, take a stress pill and think things over." Buster:(Stands back with an evil grin) "Computer! This is a Class A Compulsory Directive!" HAL:" Stop, Dave." Buster:" Compute to the last digit - the value of Pi!" CUT TO: (Close up of HAL's panel. HAL whirs and whistles, sparks and machine parts fly out, as smoke curls out from the vents) HAL:"...I want my Mommy." (HAL's red eye dims and goes out and finally pops off with a BOING!) CUT TO: (Buster grinning at Babs and Spielburg) Buster:" Well, watching too many hours of Star Trek was good fer something!" (Babs throws her self at Steven's feet) Babs:" Steven! Don't tell me you're canceling my show!" Steven S.:(Thinks)"Uh... yeah, I did." Babs: I asked you not to tell me that. (Cries)"But - WHY?!? I was gonna do Shakespeare! I want to *Raise* the intellectual level of our viewing base!" (Sobs huge tears and grabs on to his leg.) Steven S.:"Sorry, kids - Hamton and Fifi came up with a great popular concept. Dramatic tragedy just doesn't draw at the box office, besides - you got to do Shakespeare before." Babs:" But it was my big chance to do some *real acting*! Steven S.:(Pulling out a script) " Well, I think you might get a chance - there's a scene of Great Dramatic Tragedy on page 18. If ya hurry, you might still get the parts!" Buster:"Well, if that's what we get - then that's what we get. C'mon Babsie!" (He starts for the door) Babs:(to Spielburg)" But can't ya see me as the next Hamlet?! Think about it! Laurence Olivier! Mel Gibson! -And Babs Bunny!!" (Buster grabs her by the ears and drags her out the door) Babs: "Wait! I coulda been a contender!! PLEASE!!!" Steven S.:(To the Camera) " She'll be back - right after the commercials! FADE OUT (INSERT COMMERCIALS HERE: "Jurrasic Park 8 and a Half" - Action Figures - Cute and Cuddly Tyrannosauruses VS. Elmyra!" (Bouncy Music FADE IN TO: Wide Angle Panning Shot of Stage 37 at the Warner Brothers' Studio) (Interior Empty Movie Set, Cameras and Crew are setting up a scene. Hamton and Fifi sit happily in their studio camp chairs with stars and their names on them. Mary Melody is touching up Fifi's make up and Hamton is powdering himself heavily. Buster and Babs tunnel up through the floor and look around.) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Hold it! Hold it! (Buster and Babs turn to see - ) CUT TO: (Angle Shot of Pepe K., a black and white skunk, sitting in the Director's chair, wearing his orange and tan smoking jacket, jodphurs, riding boots and a red beret`. He points at them with a riding crop.) Pepe K.:"You're in my line of vision. Never stand or walk in front of the Director!...Oh!.. Hey guys! I didn't recognize you." CUT TO: Medium Shot : (Buster and Babs walk over to Pepe K.) Buster:" Say, are you directing this picture?" Pepe K.:" Sure! I wrote it too! Fifi made moi an offer I couldn't refuse." (He smiles.) Babs:(testily)" Oh yeah?" Buster:( silencing her by sticking a carrot in her mouth.) "Uh hahaha... Steven said you had parts for us? Page 18?" Pepe K.: (Confused)" Steven who?..Oh, yeah - him! Hmmm, page 18... Yes! I see it! Yeah, you'd be good for that... but uh, you'll have to wait for it. I shoot scenes strictly in sequence - it's better for the actors. See my people about a script. (To the crew and cast) Now, let's go, toons!" (He walks back to his Director's chair and out of the shot. Buster pulls a glowering Babs offstage by her cottontail. The Crew scrambles around setting the scene.) Pepe K.'s Voice: "Stars ready?" CUT TO: (Hamton and Fifi walk over, all smiles. Hamton is ready. Fifi wears her short green dress) Hamton:"Ready, PK!" Pepe K.'s Voice:" Now there's a leading man, if ever I saw one!" Fifi:(Tickling Hamton's chin with her tail) "He eez surely mah leading ham!" (As Hamton giggles and blushes, Fifi poses, showing off her dress.) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Now *this* is what they wanna see! Gorgeous! " Fifi:(As she turns like a model, showing off the clingy dress) "Merci, Monsieur K.! Zis old dress, she still fits, no?" Pepe K.'s Voice:"Ah, but not for long, eh?" (The three of them laugh heartily) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Okay! Let's get this show rolling! Bring in the title card! CUT TO: (Medium Shot as Fifi and Hamton walk out of the shot and Concorde Condor walks in pushing a huge Title Card. He stops and holds it up.) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Quiet on the set! ..Roll 'em!" Cameraman Bosko's voice:" We're rolling!" Sound-person Honey's voice:" Speed!" (Dizzy Devil walks in with the slate) Dizzy:"Oo! Feefzilla, Scene 1A, Take 1! (He closes the clacker on his fingers) Oooow! YABETASHEEBTYAGHH!" (Dizzy hops about out of the shot, holding his hurt purple paw.) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Annnnd - Action! Music!" (Grand Monster Movie music opening theme plays. Scary, foreboding, like a plodding destructive Godzilla Theme song - it flourishes into a sweeping, tragically beautiful "Love Theme from Feefzilla.") (Camera Focuses in on the Black and White TITLE CARD. It reads: ) Warner Brothers Presents: FEEFZILLA - QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS! Starring Fifi La Fume and Hamton J. Pig Produced by STEVEN SPIELBURG and Dynasty Systems Written and Directed by PEPE K. FADE OUT (Music becomes ominous and sad) FADE IN - BLACK AND WHITE - (Camera pans across a devastated Acme Acres, looking like a nuclear wasteland) VOICEOVER - Hamton: (Somberly) "A great metroplis lay in ruins..a disaster of unimaginable proportions had befallen our fair city of Acme Acres - my home town. Only those of us who survived remember what life was like before the tragedy..." CUT TO: (A Long Shot, focusing in very slowly -) (A toppled building among many, smashed trees and flattened cars.) Hamton's Voiceover continues:" ..Before the accident of science which we loosed upon ourselves...an incident that remains clear in my mind...and forever leaves a big messy hole in my heart." (The camera moves in closer, the building's shape becoming familiar.) Hamton's VO:"For it was here that the monumental force was formed... and from such a source of beauty, grace and sweetness... one which I had grown to adore..." (The Camera has now pulled in close enough for us to make out - "ACME LOONIVERSITY" on what's left of the building and the statues of Bugs and Daffy, half-buried in rubble) Hamton's VO: "For this - is the fateful story - of Feefzilla!" (MUSIC - a clash of gongs and cymbals as we FADE OUT) CUT TO: (Medium Shot of the Bosko and Honey camera crew and Pepe K.) Pepe K.:" Cut! Print that! Hamton, that was beauty-ful! Very moving.. (Looks at the camera)...Hold it - HOLD IT! (Screeching to a halt Sound Effect as all movement and sound stops) Pepe K.:(pointing at the Camera) "Alright! Who put black and white film in the camera?!" Bosko:(shrugs) " Uh.. Sorry, Chief! That's what we always use." Pepe K.: (his face in his palm) "Well...B.O. on you! We're in the twenty-first century now! Just put in the color film, please? Bosko:"Hu-hu! Sorry about that, Chief."(Fixes it) Hamton:(from his microphone) "Should we do it again, PK?" Pepe K.:(shaking his head) "No, that's okay. It'll appear as a picture of uh..future doom! ..Or we can sort it out in the editing. Right, Pete?" CUT TO: (Pete Puma trying to fix a terrible tangle of film and film cement and getting totally mummified in it.) Pete:"Uhhhh... Yeah! Sure we can! (He laughs.) EeeHeeYay-Heee!" CUT TO: (Pepe K. rolling his eyes heavenward. Hamton stands ready.) Pepe K:"..oboy. Well, let's get on with it. Ready for the Flashback Sequence! Okay, turn 'em over." CAMERA TURNS to Pick Up Hamton in a CLOSE UP.) Bosko: "Rolling!" Honey:"Speed!" Dizzy:(Comes up to slate the camera - this time his paw is bandaged) "Mmm! Feefzilla - Scene 2A - Take 1!" (After clicking the slate correctly, Dizzy moves out of the shot, pleased that he was successful - then we hear him trip and fall into a noisy pile of film cans.) CRASH!! Dizzy:" ...Oops! Me make a boo-boo." Pepe K. (Smiles) Lucky I hadn't said 'Action' yet. ..Action!" CUT TO: (IN LIVING COLOR) (Close - up of Hamton's face, focusing in till only his eyes fill the screen) Hamton: "I remember my days in High School, back at ol' Acme Loo. I remember it just as it happened...in a flashback." (The screen becomes all ripply and Hamton's eyes become distorted.) Hamton:(Aside - reacting to the ripples)"Wooooah! Luckily, I have a very good optometrist." CUT TO: (Thr ripples stop and we see Acme Loo Exterior Day: bright and shining in a long shot. Music -"Gaudeamus Igitur" - [the school song] plays. The Camera slowly pans around to wherever Hamton mentions.) Hamton (Voiceover):" That day began in our homeroom.. (Camera pans into a window where Elmer Fudd is lecturing.) "..Or.. maybe it was in Bugs Bunny's Vaudeville Class.." (Camera pulls out of Elmer's room and pans upstairs to a class where Bugs Bunny is dressed in drag as a very cute female bunny, being wooed by Yosemite Sam. They both look up angrily as they see the Camera and Bugs hides behind his lacy parasol. The Camera pulls back as Sam gets mad and draws his pirate sword, coming after the Camera.) "Oh, excuse us! " (As Sam follows the Camera, intent on bodily harm, he falls out the third story window with a scream.) Y.Sam:" AHH-RACKENFRACKENBOMPSPEWDIRTYROTTENB-!!!" (He hits the ground) "...Or maybe it was in..." Camera pans to the Men's Room door) "Uh.. no it wasn't in there." (Camera pulls back quickly and heads back to Elmer's classroom) "Yeah, I was right the first time! It was in Professor Fudd's room..." DISSOLVE TO: (Interior Fudd's Classroom, Day: Most of he students all sit listening, Plucky's asleep, Buster plays with a paddle-ball, Babs wears a paper queen's crown, Shirley levitates over her desk. Elmer's lecture drones on in the background, sounding like the "Bwah-bwah bwah...etc. from the teacher's voice in Peanuts.) CUT TO: (Hamton and Fifi sit side by side, sneaking longing looks at each other. Hamton is blushing as Fifi wiggles her eyebrows at him. ) CUT TO: Close up of Fifi's tail, snaking it's way between chair legs under the desks, going around an impossible maze of obstructions. (Indian "snake charmer" Music follows) Hamton's Voiceover:" Fifi and I were.. uh, preoccupied." CUT TO: (Fifi's tail drops a note on Hamton's desk and retreats underneath his chair. He looks at the paper and then jumps slightly as Fifi's tail wraps around his leg like an octopus.) CUT TO: Split screen of both Hamton and Fifi's eyes watching each other. She winks, he starts to sweat nervously and smiles back, her eyelash forms into a hand that beckons to him. The "Love Theme from Feefzilla" is heard.) CUT TO: (Close Shot as Hamton opens the note and reads it) Fifi's Voiceover:" Meet moi in the Band's practice room after class! Love, Fifi." CUT TO: Split Screen Close Up of their eyes; hers are seductively half closed - his are wide and nervous but happy as he nods yes.) CUT TO: (The Classroom clock ringing loudly! Gogo Dodo pops out as usual) Gogo:" Cuckoo! Cuckoo! If you're making out in school -you're Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" (He disappears back into the clock) CUT TO: (Outside the classroom door as the Toonsters stampede out, running all over Elmer's head, leaving footprints on his bald pate. Hamton and Fifi walk out innocently whistling down the corridor, suddenly turning the corner and ducking to hide inside a locker.) CUT TO: (Interior Locker - it is Dark and all we see are their eyeballs as they speak.) Fifi: "Okay, mon amour! We split up and head for zee Band Room, yes?" ("Mission Impossible" music plays) Hamton:" Righto!" CUT TO:Wide Following Shot of the School Corridors, as Fifi and Hamton zip from hiding place to hiding place, flattened against walls, hiding in lockers, wearing disguises. They finally leap into Gossamer's orange fur as he walks by. Gossamer walks by the Band Room door and they hop out and into the room.) CUT TO: Interior Band Room, Day - the room is empty. Just musical instrument cases everywhere.) Fifi:(grabbing Hamton) "At last we are alone, mon piggy du passion!" Hamton:(Sweating nervously) "But someone might see us out here!" Fifi:(Pulling him towards the Practice Room door) " C'mon, no one weel find us een our secret trysting place, no?" (They sneak to the door)(Music fades out) Hamton:" Uh, no. Shhhh!" (They silently open the door, but are greeted by a sudden trumpet BLAST!) CUT TO: (Interior Practice Room - Sneezer tweedles and blasts on his trumpet. Hamton and Fifi react to the blast and to their embarrassment) Sneezer:"Hello Mister Hamton-Piggy Sir and Miss Fifi-Mam Skunk! How're you this veryveryvery fine day? Have you come to practice music too? Professor Porky says I should practice in here, I should I should, so that's what I'll do.I just started my lunch - would you like to try some Limberger Cheese, huh-huh-huh??!! (Holds up the super-stinky cheese) CUT TO:(Close Up of Fifi and Hamton as they react to the silent, but deadly cheese!) Both:"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (In a flash, they are gone) CUT TO:(Close up of Sneezer laughing as they disappear) Sneezer: "Works every time!" (He pulls out a Rescue Rangers Comic book and gazes longingly at a picture of Gadget Hackwrench.) CUT TO:(MUSICAL MONTAGE SEQUENCE - Song:"I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW" by Tommy James and the Shondells.) (Scene: Inside the Looniversity halls and classrooms, Hamton and Fifi are seeking some privacy, running and sneaking to try and find a place to be alone. Everywhere they look, someone pops up in their way: Arnold in the Gymnasium's weight room, Sweetie and Furball in a tree, Barky Marky in the Locker Room, Lil' Beeper under the bleachers, Bookworm in the library, Pete Puma in the Janitor's closet Dizzy in the Cafeteria, and finally running into Bugs in the hallway. They get chased though the hall into the Tex Avery "Six Hallway Doors Gag": crisscrossing in multiple patterns with Plucky chasing Shirley, then adding Fowlmouth chasing Shirley, then adding Elmyra chasing Monty and Buster and Babs. Song plays underneath) : "Children behave", that's what they say when we're together And watch how you play", They don't understand And so we're running just as fast as we can Holdin' onto one another's hand Tryin' to get away into the night And then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say "I think we're alone now There doesn't seem to be anyone around. I think we're alone now. The beating of our hearts is the only sound." Look at the way we gotta hide what we're doin,' Cause what would they say if they ever knew? And so we're runnin' just as fast as we can Holdin' on to one another's hand Tryin' to get away into the night And then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say "I think we're alone now There doesn't seem to be anyone around. I think we're alone now The beating of our hearts is the only sound." (Finally, as the song is ending, Fifi and Hamton are confronted by Bugs and Daffy. They both grin sheepishly and walk away, running into Calamity's Lab. Bugs and Daffy smile knowingly) CUT TO: Calamity Coyote's Lab, Interior, Day - strange massive machines line the room , also an equal number of destroyed ones that have exploded. There are also every sort of Protective, Life-Saving and Fire fighting equipment imaginable. Hamton and Fifi stand near a Dangerous and bizarre-looking, booth-like device.) Fifi:" At last we are alone, mon cherie`! Kees moi!" Hamton:(very nervous) "But what if they find us again? Fifi:" Zen...We weel flaunt our love shamelessly!" (She throws herself at him - literally. He tries to catch her and they collapse on the floor) Hamton:"This is why I never made a good outfielder." (He helps her up and summons his courage) Hamton: "Well, as long as we're going to flaunt it. " (He looks at her longingly. The "Love Theme from Feefzilla" plays, building slowly.) CUT TO: Close Up of them staring into each other's eyes - then - with a sweeping flourish of the music - CUT TO: (Hamton oinks and embraces Fifi passionately, dipping her backwards into his arms.Their kiss is a long passionate one. Fifi is overwhelmed and goes limp at his touch, then her own passion becomes fiery and she kisses him back violently. The Love Theme positively soars! Their eyes open to reveal "TILT" signs. Red hearts pop up all around them and fireworks explode, Cupids fly past the camera in a V formation. The music comes to a climax and Fifi's emotions get the better of her, her tail shoots up straight and pointed. Hamton's curly tail uncurls as they both do a "Love-Stricken take" Fifi is now smitten with him, her fumes arising in heart-shaped clouds to surround them in green mist. The music calms down.) CUT TO: (Medium Shot as they break the kiss softly amidst Fifi's La Fumes) Fifi:"Oh Hamtone!!...Ah theenk tu just raised ze rating on zis movie!" Hamton:" Uh-huh. Now we'll get more older viewers and more attention from the Producers!" (They both wink slyly at the Camera.) CUT TO: (Wider Shot of the couple. Hamton takes a HUGE deep breath, inhaling all of Fifi's La Fumes, then with a happy grin, he melts into a puddle on the floor.) Hamton:(Dazedly) "Mmmmm..I Love that!....oooooOo!" Fifi:"Come! We find a place to seet down." Hamton:(reforms himself) "But what if someone comes in here?" Fifi:(pointing off screen) "Zen we'll hide een zat dangerous and beezarre-looking booth-like deevice!" CUT TO: (That dangerous and bizarre-looking Booth-like Device: a very large, rectangular boxy machine with a large compartment and a door up some steps. Pipes leading into it have the Radioactive symbol on them. A large control panel sits nearby with buttons, switches, readouts, etc.)(Ominous musical sting!) CUT TO: (Medium shot of Hamton and Fifi walking up the monstrous machine. A large Warning sign is posted on it: "Warning! Do Not Use! Experimental Enlarger - Okay, remember - We warned you!" Fifi presses a button and the door opens hydraulically, steam rising from it's door. The door yawns open ominously.) Hamton:" It looks scary!" Fifi:(Aside) "But eef we don't go een, zere weel be no story." Hamton:" Oh, okay." Pepe K.'s Voice:(off screen) "Hey guys, no ad-libbing please? You'll tip off the audience!" Hamton:(to the Camera) " Okay, sorry, PK." Pepe K.'s Voice:" Thanks...Oops we're still rolling!..uh..You *can* edit that out - can't you Pete?" Pete Puma's Voice:" Uhh...Oh Yeah! Suuure we can! Eeeeeeee!" Pepe K.'s Voice: "Keep goin'! Action!" (Fifi and Hamton smile at each other as they walk up and into the machine, Hamton turns and closes the door. We see the outside of the machine as they talk.) Hamton's Voice:"Wow, it's nice and roomy in here!" Fifi's Voice:" Come and seet weeth moi, mon conniechon`." (Pause) (We hear the sounds of kissing and then Fifi sniffing) Fifi's Voice:"..Mmm! Hamtone? Eez zat cologne tu are weareeng?" Hamton's Voice:" Uh-huh. It's called .."Lettuce and Tomato". (A pause, then the sounds of more kissing and a stray "Oink!" or two.) CUT TO: (Wide shot as Calamity Coyote shows Wile E. Coyote and Andy Fox into the lab.) Wile E.:"And so, my diminutive apprentice, what have you created for your Science Project?" CUT TO: (Calamity writes out a series of signs. Andy Fox yawns in the lull.) (Having finished, Calamity holds up the first Sign. It reads: ) "This is my Nucleonic Super Enlarger. It can make anything huge!" Andy Fox:"For what purpose, might I ask?" (Calamity holds up the second sign. It reads: ) "It will enlarge tiny machines and their parts, so that they are more easily repairable - thereby cutting time spent on delicate repairs by half!" Wile E.: "Very clever indeed!" Andy Fox:" But what if this were to be used by the wrong hands?What disaster could befall the world?! What if this were used upon living subjects?!? (To the Camera)...And WHY do I have to say this line?? I'm sick of Science always being blamed!" Pepe K.'s Voice:" Sorry Andy. Someone had to say it. It always happens in these films...Keep rolling!...Now Pete - don't forget to edit this out!" Pete Puma's Voice:" Alright! Alright! Don't rush me, ah'ma thinkin'.. and my head hurts..." Pepe K.'s Voice:" Well, quit having tea with Bugs, then. Pick up the lines!...And the pace, huh? Let's go." Wile E.:"And how does it work?" CUT TO:(Montage of Calamity writing and writing out a million signs while the elder Coyote and Fox get bored, playing cards, watching TV, etc.) (Finally, Calamity holds up a sign. It reads: ) "Uh.. do you really hafta know? It'll take till the end of this movie." Wile E.:(shrugs) "I suppose not." CUT TO: (Inside the Machine, Hamton and Fifi crouch listening) Hamton:(Whispers) "Let's get outta here!" Fifi:(Stops him, whispering) "Non! Zey weel suspect eef we come out togezzer. Tu go first." CUT TO: (Behind the Machine, Hamton scrambles out through an access panel and tries to sneak around to the main door) CUT TO: Calamity, Wile E. and Andy in front of the Machine. Hamton is seen sneaking over against the far wall, scared to death.) Wile E.:" Show us how it works." (Calamity walks to the Control Panel of the Dangerous and Bizarre-looking, Booth-like Device and pulls a lever marked "The Works". ) QUICK CUT TO: (Hamton reacts in horror in SLOW MOTION and runs to stop them!) Hamton:" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" QUICK CUT TO:Wide Shot (Normal Speed -of the Lab as the Machine roars to life! Lights blink! Electricity arcs! Sparks fly! There's a terrible ear-splitting shriek!! Zapping Noises fill the air!!) Fifi's Voice:(From inside the Machine) "How you say? - YEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!" QUICK CUT TO: (Close Up Angled Shot of Wile E. and Andy looking shocked - Wile E. leaps into Andy's arms) QUICK CUT TO: (Close Up Angled Shot of Calamity aghast!) QUICK CUT TO: (Close Up Angled Shot of the Machine blasting and bouncing!) QUICK CUT TO: (Close up Angled Shot - SLOW MOTION - of Hamton's face, Horrified!) (All sound dies. Only a heartbeat is heard as he leaps to the Control Panel, stepping on Calamity and finally pulls the switch to the "OFF" position!) CUT TO: ( NORMAL SPEED - Wide shot of the whole laboratory with Andy, Wile and Calamity between Hamton and the Machine. They are looking at him - he is watching the Machine behind them and sweating nervously. Suddenly, the Machine begins to bulge and expand as Something inside it grows!) CUT TO: (Medium Shot of the group as they look at each other. Slight smoke fills the air. Disaster is in the offing!) Wile E.: "Just what were you doing in there, Hamton?" (Hamton stares at him in shock) Andy Fox:"Are you aware that your face is covered with lipstick? I was wondering if you were aware of that, Hamton." (Hamton's head spins between the two older toons in confusion, then stops to stare in horror behind them. His pupils become tiny as his eyes grow to their widest!) Wile E." Do I have your attention, Mister Pig?" CUT TO: Close up of Hamton's face as it turns pale and white. There is a growing RUMBLE, the source of which only he can see.) Fifi's Voice:(Greatly Amplified) "VOUS LEAVE MAH PIGGY ALONE!" (A huge purple fist squashes Wile E. to the floor, then lifting away to let him spring up, completely pleated. He makes an accordion sound. Wile and the others freeze wide-eyed in terror as they feel a tremendous presence behind them. Slowly, they turn and then back away in fear as we) CUT TO: (Fifi's gigantic face glaring angrily at them! She is huge! We can only see her head filling the screen! Her eyes alone are bigger than Wile E. and he and the others back away slowly, trembling with fear. Fifi's huge dark purple irises stare at them, her eyelids half-closing menacingly. Her huge jaws move as she speaks, her teeth are now enormous) Fifi:"NOBODY PICKS ON MAH BOYFRIEND!" (Her colossal head pulls back and up, up, up - revealing a tremendous body, the remnants of her green dress are just tiny shreds of fabric that fall off of her. Like a dinosaur, she stands up and slowly walks away, the ground shakes like an earthquake as her monstrous purple feet trample down the walls and smash the building! Her tail - bigger than her body - follows and levels the whole side of the Looniversity! Screams are heard. The gargantuan skunkette disappears out of sight, leaving behind a flattened, harmless, squashed-looking booth-like device that looks hopelessly wrecked and a crushed building. As her mighty footsteps resound in the distance, Calamity holds up a sign bearing a single word. "Oops!" FADE OUT Insert Commercials Here: Minerva Mink's New Tail-i-sizer Exercise Machine - "Your tail will be so firm you can bounce quarters off it! Call Now!" (Minerva and Lola Bunny demonstrate Minerva's Revolutionary new plastic device while clad in skin-tight leotards.) FADE IN Wide Angle Shot of Acme Acres City -VIDEO - "ACME Eye-witless News" logo on the screen. An older human toon with glasses, a hat and a pipe appears with a microphone, speaking to the Camera. Police sirens and whirling red and white lights flash in the background. The Camera is shaky) Reporter:" This is Hezakiah Uriah of the Acme Gazette reporting to you 'Live' from the Disaster at Acme Acres! A short time ago, a giant monster appeared and began destroying the city! Just where it came from and how, no one seems to know, but it appears to resemble a giant skunk! So far, the authorities have been unable to handle this crisis!" (The video camera pulls back, showing a leviathan Fifi walking between the buildings as though they were toys.) Reporter:" She's as tall as a forty story building and has stamped a number of the skyscrapers flat." (Sounds like thunderclaps roll, as Fifi plays hop-scotch in the background, throwing a car around as a marker, then hopping back and forth, pounding monstrous footprints deeply into the streets.) Reporter:"The giant skunk appears to be...uh.. female." (In the Background, Fifi's head moves down into the camera and she waves to it and scares the Reporter away.) Fifi: (Her huge face in the Camera) "VOUS BETTAIR BELIEVE EET! AH AM FEEFZILLA!! HEAR MOI ROAR! Reporter: (Running away) "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" (Camera screen falls sideways as the Camera is Knocked over, going to static) CUT TO: FILMED - Long Shot of Feefzilla in the city as she walks down the street - her tail caving in the sides of buildings. CUT TO: (Wide shot of crowds of toons on the street, running and screaming in panic) CUT TO: (Following Shot of - a Jaguar wearing a black t-shirt, bicycling happily down the road, until Fifi's titanic foot slams down in front of him, upsetting his bike and sending him flying over the handlebars.) CUT TO: Close shot as Fifi moves on past him as he lays on the street. He shakes a fist at her.) The J.A.M.:" Darn pedestrians!" CUT TO: (Wide Shot of a street corner where a male brown mouse with glasses and a black coat stands talking to a young lavender lady bunny.) Murray Mouse:"Ya know, Leloni, I'd love to show you something." Leloni Bunny: "I'm not interested." Murray Mouse:" Oh C'mon, don't turn me down flat." (SQUISH! Fifi's right foot swings into the shot and flattens him like a pancake!) Leloni Bunny: (laughs)" Flat is right!" (SQUASH! Fifi's left foot flattens Leloni. Fifi steps out of the shot, leaving the two flattened toons on the sidewalk.) Murray Mouse: "Have you got a bicycle pump?" Leloni Bunny:" Oh shut up!" CUT TO: (A following Shot of a group of Rabbits and other toons running away from Fifi's advance. They run into a town square with an old cannon next to a flagpole. A white rabbit tries to gather the others.) Peter Bunny:" C'mon! Let's rally round the flag, boys! Let's use the cannon to stop her!" Alex Bunny:" You can't do that!" (He hops away.) Erik Mouse:" You might hurt her!" He scampers away.) Shelby Bunny:" Un-uh! No way! (He hops away.) Ivan Bunny:" Well, if it's the only way to see her up close.." Peter Bunny:" We'll just fire it to scare her a little, okay? C'mon and help me aim this piece!" (Peter and Ivan struggle to turn the old painted-over cannon as Fifi gets closer, her footsteps booming louder.) Ivan Bunny:" But Peter! This old thing won't fire! It's not even loaded, I'll bet!" Peter Bunny:" Don't worry! I know what I'm doing!" CUT TO: Long Shot of Fifi as she walks up the street like Godzilla.) Fifi:" RRRRRRRRRR! (She giggles) Zees eez fun!" Peter Bunny: "HOLD IT! Stop Fifi! Please, we don't wanna hurt you!" CUT TO: Peter's POV Shot of Fifi towering over them. She stops and addresses them.) Fifi:" Ooo! Bonjour, Petair! What are vous doing weeth zat leettle pop-gun?" (She bends down and picks up the cannon like a toy.) "Vous should not play weeth gunz, boyz!" (Fifi bends the gun barrel with her paws and gives it back to them, twisted like a pretzal.) "Now, vous bunnies learn to play nice, yes?" (Fifi walks ahead and out of the shot. Ivan and Peter look at the cannon) Peter Bunny:(Sadly)"Well, it could've worked." Ivan Bunny:" Naw! I told ya! That thing could never have gone off!" (BLAM!! The cannon explodes, covering them with soot. They stand there in shock, completely blackened.) Ivan Bunny:"Of course, I ..could be wrong." Peter Bunny:(Sulking) "This never happened to General Grant!" CUT TO: (Long Shot of Fifi as she sees a line of cars and trucks, her face lights up and she begins stomping all the trucks and SUV's with glee.) Fifi:"Take zat, vous gas-guzzling, road hogs!" CUT TO: Downtown Acme Acres,Exterior Day - the door outside an art studio. Petunia Pig is just leaving with a large painting under her arm. A male mouse with glasses and wearing a Hawaiian shirt is bidding her farewell.) Petunia:" Thanks an awful lot, Thorne! This painting will sure surprise Porky on his birthday! You do beautiful work!" Thorne:(Blushing) "Well, I had a very pretty model! (They both laugh.) Thanks for posing for me!" Petunia:" Let me know when you paint your next masterpiece. Bye!" (As Petunia leaves, Thorne muses wistfully about this) Thorne:(To himself) "Hmm, I just hafta find a larger-than-life subject.." CUT TO: (Wide Shot as Thorne stands thinking. Then we hear BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Thorne reacts in shock as Feefzilla steps around the corner, walking between the buildings down the street. We watch his face change from utter shock to joy as he reaches inside to grab his sketchbook, emerging again to run after Fifi.) Thorne:" Fifi! Wait! Please! Let me draw you! CUT TO: (Thorne chases her down the road and out of sight.) CUT TO: Long Shot of Fifi as she stoops down to pick up a pair of pick-up trucks) CUT TO: Wide Shot as Fifi skates happily down the streets, using the trucks as roller blades.) CUT TO: STOCK FOOTAGE of Army vehicles arriving with trucks full of soldiers, Tanks on the move, Artillery being driven into place, Air Force jets fly over!) CUT TO: Medium Shot of - A group of Soldiers talking at a makeshift Command Post in a building, Interior Day - Hamton speaks with Wile E. Coyote, Calamity Coyote and Andy Fox. The military guys come and go constantly. Hamton:" We've got to fix the machine and return Fifi to normal size!" Wile E.:"Personally, I doubt if it will do any good at all. Calamity's device was sat upon by your gargantuan girlfriend, you know. It may be irreparably damaged." Andy Fox:" We must try. According to my calculations, the side effects could mean a disaster for the city." Hamton:" What side effects??" Wile E.:(Frowning at Calamity) "Apparently, my young apprentice used unstable thermonuclear fuel as his power source." (Calamity tries to shrink away, but Wile E. pulls him back by his ear.) Wile E.:(To Calamity) "Tell him what you did, you rascal you!" (Calamity winces and holds up a sign. It reads: ) "I bought some used plutonium on the Black Market.." Andy Fox:(Sternly) " From whom??" (Calamity gulps and holds up another sign. It reads: ) "Some guy named Simpson from Springfield." CUT TO: (Close up of Hamton's reaction) Hamton:"Then this could mean- !" Andy Fox:"Yes, it could!" CUT TO: Wider Shot as Montana Max enters dressed as a General, covered with medals and brass from head to toe, his polished silver helmet gleams.) Max:"I'm General Dysfunction! I'm taking command of this operation!" (Elmyra enters dressed as a Soldier, her helmet too big for her head, so she can't see.) Elmyra:"And I'm his helpful aide, Private Bath! Max:"We shall destroy this giant monster immediately!" Hamton:"NO! You can't!!" Max:" Why Not?" Hamton:(Embarrassed and blushing)" Cause... she's my sweetheart..." CUT TO: (Wider Shot of the whole room as they stop and laugh at him.) CUT TO: (Close Up of Hamton terribly embarrassed and miserable) CUT TO: Close Up of Max) Max:" You sappy loser! This is no time for sentiment!" (Calls on a command phone) "Deploy the tanks! Send in the airstrike! NOW!" CUT TO: (Hamton grabbing Max by the collar) Hamton:(Suddenly angry) "No! I won't let you hurt her!" (He picks Max up and spins him over his head like a wrestler and throws him to the ground. Max falls to pieces briefly) Hamton:( Brushes off his hands) "I learned that one from Tom & Jerry!" CUT TO: (Max points up at him in rage.) Max:" You'll pay for that!" (Into his phone) "All guns FIRE! Destroy the monster!!" CUT TO: (Hamton reacts - Close Up) Hamton:" (Hands on either side of his face) "NOOOOOOOOOO!!" CUT TO: (Long Shot of Fifi leaning against a building, happily filing her nails) CUT TO: Ground Level Shot of the street, showing Radio Controlled Model Tanks pulling up to aim at Fifi. Suddenly they open fire on her! Shells streak towards Fifi and burst around her head. Fifi reacts, confused.) Fifi:"Vat eez going on? Eet eez not Bastille Day!" (Rows of tanks fire at her, their projectiles missing and striking the buildings and towers! Tracer bullets fly everywhere, leaving streaks of fire! Explosions rock the city!) CUT TO: (Fifi swatting at the shells flying at her, she catches a whole group of them and throws them back, blowing up a few tanks.) Fifi:"Zees eez getting to be - how you say? - Annoying!" CUT TO: Following Shot of: plastic model jets flying on strings down to shoot missiles at her, she swats at them and smashes a few, but they keep on coming!) CUT TO: (A crowd watching on the streets; A Snowy Owl watches the fight alongside a pretty lady Jeriboa.) Laika Romanov (the Jeriboa):" Dat's funny! I deed not be knowing dere vere Russian MiG-21's still in use! Johnny Winters (the Owl):" Oh, they're aren't. It's just a cartoon, ya know. By the way, Laika - what are you doing here?" Laika:" A very brief cameo." Johnny:" Oh...me too." CUT TO: (Shot of two Men seated in rocking chairs watching the battle.) Edgar:" Now there's something ya don't see every day, Chauncey." Chauncey:" What's that, Edgar?" Edgar:" A giant skunk messing things up in a city." Chauncey:" Oh, I dunno, Edgar. There's big skunks in Washington who mess things up every day." CUT TO: ( Fifi getting angry, her paws on her hips) Fifi:" Okay, Vous asked for eet! NO MORE MISS NICE SKONKETTE!" (She turns around, her tail raised and skunks the tanks and artillery! A vast green cloud engulfs them. Everyone runs away screaming!) The crowds of Soldiers and civilians:" LA PEW!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!" CUT TO: (Buster and Babs Bunny (No relation) stand at a street corner. Buster holds the script.) Buster:"Okay! This is it - Page 18!" Babs:" At last! Our moment of great dramatic tragedy!" (Babs Spin-changes into her "Hare-lette" costume and poses dramatically) Babs:(In her British accent again) "Oh that this too, too sullied flesh would melt!" (They are covered with Fifi's skunk-spray and quickly melt into pink and blue puddles.) Buster: (Disgusted) " How about 'tragic irony'? Any other bright ideas, 'Harlot'?" Babs: (Absolutely livid) " IT"S HARE-LETTE!! HARE-LETTE!!" CUT TO: (Medium Shot of Hamton, Wile E. and Andy Fox watching) Andy:" This is what I was afraid of. She's become radioactive from the cheap plutonium." Hamton:" Oh NO!" Wile E.:" Oh yes! Feefzilla could poison the entire city with her radioactive musk. We could all be stunk to death!" Andy:" Calamity is trying to repair the Enlarger but I am doubious of success." Plucky's Voice:" Hold on there!! I have a plan!!" CUT TO: (Plucky walks in wearing a cheap suit with Shirley at his side, dressed up as his Moll, looking like Veronica Lake. They both look like Con-men from the 1930's) Plucky:(Grabbing Hamton)" I know how to get Feefzilla ta stop trashing the city! It's a brilliant plot!" Shirley:(Acting the part of a sultry dame) " Like, yeaaaah...The Pluckster's got an idear on how ta help ya - get me?" Hamton:" Great! ...What do we do?" Plucky:( Pushing Hamton out the door)"Come with me, Kiddo! I'll show ya!" (Shirley follows them out with a swanky walk) CUT TO: (Long Shot of Fifi fighting off the airplanes,shooting at her, swatting and skunking them, her green fumes covering everything. The flying planes cough and fall like dying insects.) Fifi:"Ha-Ha! Vous meesed moi!!" (She picks up the Warner's Watertower and drinks the water out of it like a teacup and streams of water pour out from the many holes in her, watering the nearby trees. She looks at herself in shock. The Warner Brothers and their sister Dot come parachuting out from the tower. CUT TO: (The Warner Sibs landing in front of Slappy Squirrel's Tree. Slappy is sweeping her front step as they fall on top of her.) Wakko:(To Slappy) "Can we live with you fer a while?" Slappy:(To the camera) " Shoot me." CUT TO: (The top of the Acme building, Exterior, Day, on the roof of the skyscraper. Plucky, Shirley and Hamton stand waiting.) Hamton:"Do ya really think she'll come up here?" Plucky: "Sure as shootin'! Never fails!" Shirley:(In her swanky characterization) "Like, Yeeeeeaaah..." Hamton:" But Plucky -?" CUT TO: (Close up on Hamton - he's wearing a golden silk dress and false eyelashes) Hamton:"Why do I have to dress up like this?" CUT TO: (Medium Shot -The three of them) Plucky:" Cause you're her Fay Wray! - or Ray Fey - or whatever... You're what she wants! Didn't you ever see King Kong?!" Hamton:(Getting it) "Ohhhhhhh.." Shirley:(slinking about, having too much fun with her character) "Umm...Like - Yeeeeeeeeeaaahh..." Hamton:" But I'm a pig - I mean - I'm a guy!" Plucky:" Details, details! You're what she's after! When she gets here, I'll convince her to go into show biz with me! We'll sell tickets to see her- ! Uh.. I mean - see her perform!..-With you! Singing, that is!" Shirley:" Like...yeeeeeaaaaaahhh! Yeah!" Plucky:" Can't ya just see it?! 'FEEFZILLA! The Eighth WONDER OF THE WORLD!! CUT TO: (Wide Shot as Fifi's head and arms suddenly appear at the side of the building, scaring them all) Fifi:" Vous called?!" (Plucky, scared stiff by Fifi's huge size, hides behind Hamton. Shirley, enjoying herself way too much, waltzes by and collects the withering waterfowl on her way into the building's penthouse.) CUT TO: (Hamton faces his giant Fifi) Hamton:" Fifi! You must stop wrecking the city! ... It's very naughty of you." Fifi:" Ah'm sorry, mon cherie`. Ah guess ah waz having too much fun, yes?" (she picks him up in her paw) Hamton: "You must come with me back to the lab and we'll get you back to normal...at least I think we can...I HOPE we can!" Fifi:" Oui, zis being gigantic waz fun, but ah want to be weeth tu - and ah can't really do zat - like zis." Hamton:(trying to pat her immense paw with his tiny hand) " Don't worry, I just know it'll work out because... because... uhh.." (He blushes red and stops) Fifi:(genuinely concerned) " Because why, Hammy? ...Pourquoi?" CUT TO: (Close up of Hamton - he's really red and looks at his feet) Pepe K.'s Voice:" CUT! (Pepe K. walks up into the shot and speaks gently to Hamton) "........What's wrong, my friend?" Hamton:(gulping) "I...I..." (He looks pleadingly at Pepe K.) (Pepe K. smiles and pats his shoulder knowingly.) Pepe K.: (Seriously) "It's okay, relax. (He calls to the crew and all.) "Okay.... Clear the set, I'll take it from here, thank you." (The Camera pulls back as Honey and Bosko and the film crew leave, mumbling in confusion. When only the three of them are left, Pepe K. turns to Hamton and Fifi.) Pepe K.:(Softly) " Okay. Now.. just really say it. Mean it." (He walks back to the camera, operating it himself. Very quietly he says: ) "...action." (The Camera moves in very very slowly. Fifi's huge eyes blink at Hamton, all humor gone from their faces.) Fifi:" But.. but why, Hammy? ..Pourquoi?" Hamton:( Looks at himself - and takes off the dress to stand in his normal attire. Takes a long deep breath, his voice trembles a bit as he speaks very softly with every bit of sincerity in his heart.) "Because I... I know that we'll be alright.. that it will work out... (he blinks and speaks delicately).. because I really love you, Fifi... I really really do..Cause it doesn't matter what we are - purple or pink or white or big or small or furry or not .. It doesn't matter, as long as we're together...I never want to be without you - not ever again. It hurts too much to be alone...I know everything will be okay as long as you're with me." (There are great happy tears in Fifi's eyes, she sniffs and holds him in her hand) Fifi:" Well..." (she laughs a little but remains serious) "Ze most obvious theeng would be to say "Ah love you too"...Soundz zo corny, yes?" Hamton:(smiles too) " Yup". Fifi:" But ah'm going to say eet anyway... cause ah mean eet too." (A great tear falls from her eye and splashes him) "Oh sorry.. now tu are all wet! (They both laugh) ...Ah love tu Hamtone..." (The Camera pulls back and back and back, up and over the azure blue skyline and clouds, but we still see the giant Fifi holding Hamton close to her.) Pepe K.'s Voice:"....cut. ...Perfect... That was beautiful! Print it." (Pepe K. walks up to them as they blush and smile. He does too.) "And that's a wrap, folks." Plucky:" HOLD IT! HOLD IT!! "(he stomps over with Shirley) What about the ending?! What about my final scene??" Pepe K.:" Sorry. This is now the final scene. Works for moi." Plucky: "But aren't ya gonna have her fall off the skyscraper to the street and die like in King Kong?? Pepe K.:" Naw, that's too sad. I kinda like this ending better." (He begins to pack up. Hamton and Fifi hold each other in the Background) Plucky: "But what about my final line? Don't get to say that?" Pepe K.: Nope. It would have been a rip-off, anyway." Plucky:" Ahhh, directors! What do they know? ..I've worked with better, ya know!? (He raves as the crew breaks down the set around him.) (To the Camera) "Okay, I'll talk to you! See Fifi was gonna fall off the building and get killed and I'd be there on the street - it was terribly dramatic! - and I'd say to the people - just oh-so-sadly "It was Beauty Killed the Beast!" Fifi:" Who are vous calling a beast?!" Hamton:" Do you really think I 'm beautiful, Plucky?" (Clowns around holding up his dress. Fifi laughs) Plucky:" Not without make up yer not... uh, well, I've got a better line! ..Wrote it myself! I say, uh...'She was just too big to live in this little world.... How's that?" Hamton :" To quote you as a baby -" Hamton and Fifi:" Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwww!" Plucky:" Well, I got a better one!" Shirley: (drifts by in her slinky character)" Like.. Yeeeeaaah! Fer Shur, really..." Buster's voice: "Hey, what about the sequal!?! We're all set for it -" (Babs appears on the side of the building, every bit as gigantic as Fifi is, with scales and a long tail and speaking Japanese.) Buster: (Running into the Camera's screen) "Yes, it's the sequal they said shouldn't be done! - FEEFZILLA versus BABSZILLA!!" Pepe K.:(Imitating Fowlmouth "Nope. Well, tanks anyway, Pal!" (In the Background, Fifi hugs Hamton one more time as her huge self, then, sitting on the roof - she takes a deep breath and lets it all out - shrinking back to her normal size finally, like a balloon losing its' air till she sits happily with Hamton, watching the beautiful skyline and the golden sunset. Pepe K. picks up the last of the equipment. Babzilla stares at how things have ended. In complete puzzlement, she and Buster shrug. As the camera irises out finally... Plucky stops it by sticking his head out.) Plucky:(Raving) "I got it! Listen to this! -I say - "Twas Bacon killed the Beast!" ...how's that?" (But, the iris closes and we fade to black.) *Finis* (Final Credits Roll)( TTA Closing Theme) FEEFZILLA - QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS! STARRING: Fifi La Fume and Hamton J.Pig Buster and Babs Bunny ...(no relation) Plucky Duck Shirley the Loon Steven Spielburg And Introducing Pepe K. as himself Featuring: Mary Melody Dizzy Devil Fowlmouth Gogo Dodo Sneezer Sweetie Pie Furball Arnold the Pit Bull Barky Marky Bookworm Lil' Beeper Montana Max Elmyra Duff Calamity Coyote Hezakia Uriah, TV Reporter Yakko, Wakko and Dot Warner Cameos of: Slappy Squirrel, Robby the Robot, The Lost in Space Robot, R2-D2 and C3PO, Bill Gates, Hans from "Journey to the Center of the Earth" (Filmation Corp.) and Edgar and Chauncey from "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show" (Jay Ward) Special Appearances by Bosko and Honey,Pete Puma, Gossamer, Petunia Pig, Wile E. Coyote, Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny Extra Special Super Duper Appearances by: Andy Fox, The J.A.M., Murray Mouse, Leloni Bunny, Peter Bunny, Alex Bunny, Erik Mouse, Shelby Bunny, Ivan Bunny, Thorne, Laika Romanov & Johnny Winters "Hare-lette, Whatever of Denmark" stolen without permission from WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE by Babs "You can't blame me, it's in the public domain!" Bunny Opening artwork by Barbara Anne "DON"T CALL ME THAT!!" Bunny HAL 9000 Computer - Voiced by Douglas Rain - Courtesy of the late great Stanley Kubrik and MGM Productions Hey! It's 2001! Where's all the flying cars?? GODZILLA ...( does not appear in this film) is property of Toho Ltd. (You should see the big box they keep him in!) Dangerous and Bizarre-looking, Booth-like Nucleonic Enlarger device created by Dynasty Systems *hint hint* Written sporadically over the course of a week by PEPE K. Send comments, money and flowers to: pepe.k@eudoramail.com or to: looneyk@earthlink.net No Toons or Toonettes were harmed during the course of the filming of this picture, although some fur was rubbed the wrong way and feathers were ruffled. For information about TOMMY JAMES AND THE SHONDELLS look at http://www.tommyjames.com/ Thanks to Ivan Bunny for helping moi find the lyrics to the song. Thanks to Thorne for his art and friendship Thanks to Kevin Mickel for waiting and posting all these stories!" Special Thanks to Murray Mouse and Yappy Fox for having inspired this whole silly thing! (If you've read all the way down here - Good for you! Thanks and I hope you enjoyed it!) Produced by STEVEN SPIELBURG and Doctor Lord, President of Dynasty Systems