Author’s notes:

Greetings, fellow TTA fan. Welcome to the first installment of -


Please send all comments to pepe.k@eudoramail

The following story concerns the Toonsters’ freshman year of Acme Looniversity at college level. This story contains many references to music, some of which you may be familiar with. It contains and was inspired by the music of Danny Elfman’s soundtrack of the film, "Edward Scissorhands". In order to enhance this experience, I've made notations as to where each specific piece of music fits into the story. If it’s available to you, I’d suggest getting the cassette tape, so that you’ll not only read the story, but hear it happen as well.It’s listed as MCA ® mcac #10133 No, I don’t make a living selling music for 20th Century Fox or MCA but Mr. Elfman’s score is incredibly beautiful, IMHO and well worth it. I’d like to thank VmC, HKUriah, Da Bunnyman, Dark Helmet and Danny Elfman

This story is dedicated to my Beloved Wife.

And now - Part 1 of -


Chapter I

...two shadowy figures chased across the roof of a skyscraper.A strange orange moon hung low over the city. It glared like a dark misshapen eye through the deep purple twilight. Silhouetted by the gleaming lights of the buildings, two shadowy figures chased across the roof of a skyscraper. The larger of the two reached the edge and looked over the precipice to the streets far below. Breathing hard, the second shadow joined him as he pointed down at a couple, walking under the steetlamps. Reaching into his belt, the younger man stared down through electronic binoculars at the tiny figures below.

The young couple strolled happily along the sidewalk, holding hands. They’d grown very close during the summer months and were now almost inseparable. College would begin tomorrow for them both and they enjoyed a moment of quiet togetherness before the rush of classes began. She looked sweetly at him and squeezed his hand. He smiled shyly back with wide eyes. She let go and put her arm softly around his waist. He kissed her forehead and did the same. As they continued, she wrapped her striped tail around his broad shoulders.

"Wholly confused, Batman! Where are we?"

The dark knight ignored the comment and drew a device from his utility belt. Training the blinking machine from side to side, Batman frowned and said, "Whatever it is – it’s here."

Batman & Robin by Pepe K.
Art by Pepe K.

"Yeah, but where’s here? Everything looks – different! And they’re-"

"Welcome to Acme Acres, Robin" said the Caped Crusader, walking to the other side of the roof.

"You’re kidding?" Robin gaped.

His tall companion continued to scan their surroundings. Robin shrugged and followed him. "You’re never kidding."

"It’s centered over there". Robin’s cape began to flap in the breeze. "You really think the Riddler’s involved in this? Time displacement isn’t usually his thing, ya know?" Batman remained intent on his triangulation.

" Ya know, I wish you were kidding!" the Boy Wonder exclaimed facetiously, " Then I wouldn’t be stuck here, waiting for some bizarre super-villain to show up and wreak havoc!" The older man put his scanner away and fired his grappler down to the next building.

"Couldn’t ya kid around a little?" Robin asked with an exasperated smile.

Batman swooped away and was soon lost to view.

Robin threw up his hands and looked heavenward. "Of course I could, Robin!", he said adopting Batman’s basso tones, "I am Vengeance! I am the Night!-" A sudden rumble of thunder cut him off. "Okay! Okay!" , he said cowering. His grappler fired with a sharp report and clanged into the opposite building. "Just once - just once?! Talk about a silent partner". Robin flew after his intense mentor.

Art by Squirrelly

As the thunder rolled ominously, Hamton J.Pig pulled Fifi La Fume into a tighter embrace under the street lamps.

"Zere’s a storm comeeng", the lovely skunkette said nervously.

"That’s funny," Hamton said sniffing the air, "I don’t smell any rain." He gave her an affectionate squeeze. "What did you think of the movie, Fifi?"

"Oh, ah lahked eet," the purple skunkette said cheerily as they began to walk again," Zee effects were ovairwhelmeeng!"

"Yeah! The lightsaber duels were soo cool!" Hammy said with his eyes gleaming.

"Eet could ‘ave used more acteeng, but zee leetle boy was cute."

"And he turns into Darth Vader? Wow!"

"Zere comedee relief was tarryble," Fifi said with a smirk.

"Yeah, I couldn’t understand him much."

"Oui! Zee frrogee-guy sortov stunk up ze movie!"

As they began to laugh, there was another rumble of thunder and suddenly the street went dark. Hamton looked up to see all the lights of the city had gone out.

Fifi’s frightened eyes shone in the darkness.

" Eet’s a Blue-out!" she cried.

"You mean blackout, dear" he said gently correcting her.

The city was now eerily silent, lit only by the weird orange moonlight.

"I think I’d better get you home" he said rummaging in his pockets.

Fifi began to use her night vision. "Ah can see - Boot where are we?"

A circle of light appeared and moved to the nearest street sign, as Hamton shone a flashlight to guide their way. "C’mon" he said taking her hand.

"Oh Hamtone", Fifi sighed, her purple irises reflecting the light, "Alwayz zee prepared gentleman."

"As a loyal Pig scout, it’s my duty", he said proudly, "And my pleasure."

Fifi felt him give her tail a playful pinch and she squealed with delight.

"Ooh, vous Darety peeg!" ,she said stiffening, "Pairhaps vous are note zee gentleman".

Hamton’s eyes fell as he hung his head. "I’m - I’m sorry Fifi."

"Why? ", she asked, her eyes half-closing mischievously, "Ah am not!"

Now he felt her pinching his own curly tail and he giggled. His eyes became glowing hearts.

"Come on" Fifi laughed leading the dazed pig towards the junkyard where she lived.

Ten stories above, the Boy Wonder flew down a steel rope. Curving and twisting his body, he dove around a telephone pole to take up some of his momentum and slow his descent. He suddenly flew over Hamton and Fifi’s heads, a flash in the darkness.

They gasped and Fifi leaped into Hamton’s strong arms.

"Vat vas zat?!" she cried holding on to him for dear life.

" I-I-I’m not sure! But I don’t think we should find out!" the nervous pig stammered. Pulling her to him tightly, Hamton ran around the corner, towards home.

"Zat’s eet, turn left here!", the skunkette said, using her nocturnal vision to guide him, "Careful, Ah am not zee football!"

Ahead, Hamton saw one house still lit. It was the old abandoned mansion right next to the junkyard’s fence. Fifi’s head bounced a bit as the pig’s trotters rang on the pavement. Hamton slowed and they both stared at the eerie old house, its windows showing the way home. Hamton stopped before the gate and they stared through the wrought iron fence at the strange scene before them. The old broken house looked fully restored the lawn green and perfect. Strange dark statues adorned the grounds and even the gabled roof. The freshly glazed windows shone on the lawn, silhouetting some of the cold stone figures and throwing odd shadows through the eight-foot tall fence surrounding the property.

"Ah lahk vous holdeeng moi zo close, boot vous can put moi down anytime now," Fifi said quietly.

"Sorry, Fifi", Hamton said lowering her to the pavement, "I forgot."

"Vous ‘ave grown so very strong, cherie." His wide cheeks blushed as they stood regarding the strange mansion. "Quelle strange! Zis eez zee only house still leet up! Vat eez goeeng on?"

Suddenly, a huge black shape swished by overhead.

"That’s enough mysteries for tonight!" Hammy yelped as he picked Fifi up again and raced around the corner and into her pink Cadillac, slamming the door shut behind them.

From the shadows of the mansion, Robin watched the toons run for cover. Musing on becoming an accountant, he began to stalk stealthily around to the rear of the towering building. Hugging the walls, he listened for danger. The only sound was of the lonely wind in the nearby trees, their trunks appearing black against the late summer sky. Finally he stepped soundlessly around the corner and into the dimly lit backyard.

Art by Murray Mouse

It was vast and covered perhaps 15 acres. Here and there were more of the strange stone statues. While most appeared to be human, Robin noticed many animals and some truly odd creatures, making the scene decidedly macabre.

"Boo!", said a low voice.

As the Boy Wonder stiffened and spun round, his body full of the lightning-like burning of adrenaline, he clenched his teeth and fists at being taken in.

"Just kidding around", said Batman, walking past him into the yard.

As Robin sighed with frustration, Batman scanned the area. "It’s centered here", he said walking toward a large stone dragon.

His companion quickly forgot his anger and followed.

Suddenly the sky was split by a huge triple bolt of lightning and the terrifying crack of thunder numbed them as the echo rolled back and forth between the valleys and canyons of the city. "What is it? The storm? Magnetic disturbance? Electrical? -The time displacement?!" implored Robin.

At the base of the stone beast, Batman found his focus. "All of the above." The small machine in his hands began a high pitched whine and began flashing red. "Something’s coming."

Robin looked at the angry thundercloud above them and in all directions. "Where?"

Suddenly, Batman’s device screamed in electronic agony and he shouted, "LOOK OUT!" ,as he tossed it away like a grenade.

Exploding in mid-air, the scanner was a melted bit of slag when it hit the grass.

"WOW! , exclaimed Robin, "Overloaded?"

"And a half", said his cowled companion looking up, "What ever it is - HIT THE DIRT!"

As Robin felt his hair standing on end, Batman dove at him, knocking him off his feet. As they tumbled to the ground, the dragon statue was split asunder by a bolt of lightning that shocked their senses. Shards of stone rained everywhere and the air stank with the smell of ozone.

"That was TOO close!" said Robin and he found he could barely hear his own voice. He also found that he couldn’t see.

"Where are you?" said Batman’s voice.

As they both groped in the complete blackness surrounding them, a low frequency humming began. "I’m blind! "they said simultaneously.

"What happened -?", Batman swiftly cut him off. "Look - its coming!"

"But I can’t see anything - !" A dim circle of light was growing before them, like the headlamp of an oncoming train.

Strange wordless voices sang a rising crescendo and were joined by ominously thrilling orchestral music, growing to a terrifying intensity as the light grew closer and brighter.

As the music and the light began to swirl round each other, colors threw themselves into the dynamic duo’s eyes, forcing them to back away from the oncoming tunnel of energy. They felt the hair on their bodies standing up, chilling them as the light and sound became overpowering.

As the music came to a thunderous climax, the circle of light grew too intense to bear as it opened like an iris. The Dark Knight squinted and saw a tall cloaked figure emerge from the center of the blinding tunnel and step calmly onto the grass.

Art by Thorne

In a flash, the energy funnel was gone and the night appeared as it had. Except for the towering dark figure that now stood before them.

"Darkseid!", said Batman through clenched teeth, "What do you want here?!"

A deep sigh escaped the creature and a sonorous voice said, "Good evening... You are mistaken, my friends."

Robin stepped up challengingly, "Then who are you and what are you after?!"

A pair of large reflective eyes regarded them steadily. "How fascinatingly ironic", said the deep voice, "Quite direct for men who must wear masks."

The figure paused and said "Hm?... Oh yes, certainly."

It bent down to the ground, putting something down.

As Batman and Robin prepared for an attack, they were surprised as a lithe black cat strolled calmly by and crossed to the house.

"That is privileged information, Mr. Grayson."

Batman and Robin reacted in total shock at the revelation.

"Besides", continued the cloaked figure as it glided past them toward the mansion’s rear door, "You and Mr. Wayne won’t be asking yourselves who I am - but what ."

"Why you -!" Robin angrily threw his Batarang at the retiring creature’s back.

Art by Murray Mouse

"ROBIN - ! " shouted Batman, trying to stop him.

Suddenly the weapon’s flight was deflected back and it struck the Boy Wonder in the stomach, knocking him flat.

As Batman knelt at his side, the being turned to face them, it’s silken cape flaring to fall at it’s feet.

"That was foolish, young man. If you’d thrown it any harder, you might have injured yourself severely.

Bring him inside and we’ll talk."

Batman picked up his partner and followed to the door the creature opened before them. Stepping inside, the figure said

"Welcome to my house. Enter freely and of your own will."

Robin resisted ,but the Dark Knight said, "C’mon. We’re in no position to argue" and he lugged Robin inside.

Hamton sat in Fifi’s darkened Cadillac and worried as she tried to pick out her clothes for tomorrow. A single scented candle lit the interior and he watched her tail twitch about as she rifled through her clothes rack. Hamton wasn’t worried about the black-out or the strange goings-on in the city, but about his girlfriend.

Fifi had had a terribly difficult summer and was only now beginning to feel like herself again. Her mother’s sudden passing had left her devastated. Such was her grief that Hamton’s parents had allowed him to stay with her round the clock. For three days and nights, he’d stayed here watching over her as she alternated between tears, anger and depression. Their subsequent trip to France for the funeral had had equal moments of joy and sorrow.

Meeting Fifi’s disapproving older sister hadn’t been easy and Hammy had begun to understand why his skunkette had left her homeland.But the beautiful countryside of the south of France had allowed them some moments of togetherness, however, and it was there at Normandy that he’d had the courage to tell her his true feelings.

Now they were in love, but still Hamton worried. "Ah nevair know what to wear!" Fifi said frustrated.

"How about your green dress?" he suggested. "Ah’ve outgrown eet," she said turning to him with a smirk, "Ah have gotten zo beeg."

"Well, you’re 18 now, you’re not a little girl anymore".

Plump Fifi by Thorne
Art by Thorne

"Oui, ah’m a beeg fat skonk! " she said patting her white belly-fur.

"You’re not fat", Hamton insisted, "You’re . . . beautiful."

With smoldering eyes, Fifi wrapped her fluffy tail around his ears.

"Merci, mon conniechon." she smiled, giving him a peck on the snout. Hamton giggled as he always did when she called him her "Little Piggy" - her pet name for him.

"Ah theenk ah wear mah white sundress" Fifi said pulling it off the rack.

"Hmm... I guess so."

"Why air vous so worried? Honey Bunny said ah ‘ave to wear clothes to school from now on. Remembair ‘ow we saw zem at zee peeknic?"

"I remember how Bugs Bunny looked at you" Hamton said crossing his arms.

Fifi laughed. "Heez eyes popped out! Eet took oos twenty minutes to find zem!"

Hamton continued to frown and Fifi looked at him fondly. "Do not be jealous, cherie."

"Well, the other guys better not do that" he glowered.

"As vous said - ah am note ze leettle girl anymore", Fifi moved to sit next to him and gazed at him shyly, " Hamtone,"she said quietly, " Ah theenk zat ah should be calling you Tu ...een ze familiar way." She put her hand softly into his.

Hamton looked with loving eyes at her. "You know feel about you" he said breathlessly.

"Ah...theenk ah feel ze same way." As she reached for his shoulder, Hamton’s eyes fell.

"What eez wrong, Hamtone?".

He opened his mouth, but couldn’t find words.

"Why are tu steel worried? Eez eet...about us?"

Hamton looked painfully at her, "Well...other people say...we shouldn’t...-"

"What ozzer people?" Fifi asked quickly," Not your parentz –!"

"No, of course not! They love you too!"

"Zen -...not our friendz?! Shirlee et Babs theenk eet eez wondairful for us!"

Suddenly Fifi looked indignant. "Eetz Pluckee - eezn’t eet?!"

Hamton couldn’t look in Fifi’s blazing eyes.

"Well...he said we were...weird." An angry cloud formed over Fifi’s brow.

"He said - I should stick own species."

The seething skunkette exploded. "Ah don’t want you to talk to zat STUPEED DUCK anymore! Ee eez notheeng but trouble!!"

"But he’s my roommate now."

"Well, Ah weesh ah could change zat!"

Fifi softened and pleaded with the downcast pig. "Ah am sorry. Ah didn’t mean to yell at tu. Boot you ov all people know ‘ow ‘ee eez. ‘Ee’z alwayz takeeng advantage of you and getting you eento beeg trouble! Remembair 'ow 'ee got your house blown up?"

"Yeah, but he saved me from being turned to stone forever by the Banshee, too."

Fifi stood and turned away. "Do tu agree weeth heem?" she said, nearly in tears.

Hamton quickly stood and turned her to face him. "No! I don’t care what he says - I love you, Fifi!", he implored, "We’re both eighteen now and can make our own choices! Please don’t be angry."

Fifi looked at her feet. "Ah’m not angry weeth tu - boot ah don’t want to talk about eet right now."

Hamton also looked sadly down. "Well...I’d better go.Tomorrow is our first day of college level classes at the Looniversity."

As Hamton turned for the door, Fifi’s anguish peaked and she rushed to hold him. "Hammy...?!!" she implored.

He looked into her pleading eyes. "Fifi, everything will turn out right! Don’t worry!" He put his finger on her striped forehead, like always, and gently traced down the bridge of her nose.

"You’ll_never_be_alone." He lightly beeped her pink nose and got her to smile.

She squeezed him tightly with her embrace and he returned it warmly.

"Good night Darling" Hamton said opening the door.

"Bon soire‘, ma cherie". Fifi watched till he was out of sight and continued to stare long after he was gone.

He’d always been there for her. Even through all her infatuations with chasing anything with a white stripe, Hamton had been sweet to her. She remembered the last two years of their Prom dates and how she’d found that her scent didn’t offend him, but in fact, that he couldn’t get enough of it. After the disappointment of "the Jonny Pew Incident", she’d begun to notice him more and more and actually found herself feeling jealous of his brief fling in Florida.

All that mattered now was the deep abiding love she felt for him. So many changes had occurred for her, but his friendship had never wavered. Fifi thought of the old song, "He’s not the Boy I’ve been Dreaming of, but - He’s Sure the Boy I Love".

Plucky had to be wrong.

Batman and Robin silently stepped out of the mansion’s front door.

"I don’t believe it’ said Robin shaking his head, " It’s too much to comprehend".

"Judging by that ID he showed me - you’d better believe it", said the Dark Knight.

"How could he know where the Riddler is - and what he’s up to?"Robin asked dubiously.

"With those kind of abilities - I think we’ve just found our most powerful ally" said Batman firing his grappler into the nearest building.

"What about Superman?" Robin said doing likewise.

"Brain over brawn, Robin" the Caped Crusader said as they flew away into the night.

Fifi was slipping on her nightgown when the lights came back on. The sudden blare of the radio scared her and she momentarily got her head stuck through the arm-holes. She frantically smoothed down the pink nylon and became aware that she was not alone. Fifi felt a strange presence in the house in the house and became nervous.


There was no answer to her timid call and she saw and heard nothing.

She cautiously went into the small den under the front of the car. The bathroom door was open and dark. Silently, she crept in and clicked on the light. Nothing. Her eyes widened as she looked at her shower.

Her fingers trembled as she slowly reached for the shower curtain. She pulled it swiftly aside to reveal - nothing.

"Le sigh!" Fifi looked into the mirror and said "Deed vous ever ‘ave ze feeling you’re being watched?"

After making her evening toilette, Fifi went back upstairs. The presence was still there, but felt strangely pleasant and comforting, like soft perfume. A thought caused her to become misty-eyed and she called quietly.

"...Mama? "

No answer greeted her and she turned out the lights and sadly climbed into bed. Fifi laid back and stared into the single candle flame, which burned silently on the table before her.

The radio was tuned to Hamton’s favorite oldies station. She’d considered changing it awhile ago, but found that she really liked the old love songs. An old Beatles tune began to play, John Lennon began to sing ‘In My Life’.

There are places I remember all my life,
Though some have changed,
Some forever not for better,
Some have gone and some remain.

All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living.
In my life I’ve loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compares with you,
And these mem’ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I’ll love you more.

Fifi looked at the pictures on the table. There was the photo from the Senior Prom. She looked on Hamton’s happy face and smiled at his cute plump shape. While she’d been smiling at the camera, he’d been smiling at her. "Les Sigh..."

The other picture was of Fifi and her mother. Fifi had been a toddler when it had been taken, smiling in a frilly pink dress.

Her beautiful mother was as purple as she, with white stripes and a charm all her own.

"Ah wish tu could ‘ave met Hamtone, Mama. Tu would love heem as ah do. Moufette will nevair change - and Hammy eez all I have now".

Fifi settled down for the night, turning off the radio and leaning to blow out the candle.

"Bon soire, Maman... at least you are weeth Papa now" she whispered.

She blew out the candle and pulled the covers over herself.

The strange friendly presence grew stronger and her sadness abated. As Fifi’s eyes closed, wisps of purple formed in the air and covered her like a downy comforter.

Fifi smiled a little as she fell asleep.


Chapter II

Fifi left early for college the next morning and walked slowly past the the strange mansion. The beautiful basalt statues gleamed like black glass and she recognized the figure of Julius Caesar as one of them up on the roof.

"Quelle Mysterious!" Fifi walked on towards the Looniversity.

"Like, Hi Feef!" called Shirley the Loon from the corner.

"Ello Shirlee".

"Whoa! What’s with all the conflicting vibes? Things not makin’ sense, huh?"

"Strange days eendeed" said Fifi.

Shirley concentrated as they walked. "Hmm... I’m getting something...You dunno if ya should, like, be having such a serious relationship with Hamton. The intra-species issue thing er some junk, right?"

Fifi smirked as the clairvoyant loon read her thoughts, but pressed her for advice anyway. "Shirlee ... ah don’t know what to theenk. Ah theenk ah truly love Hamtone, but ... eez eet right?"

"There is nothing wrong with you two being together" Shirley stated firmly.

"But... what eef we are really serioos?"

Shirley paused, then said, "You must look to yer heart to decide".

Fifi gulped, looking uncertain. "Vat eez een our future?"

"Well, I don’t have my crystal ball with me, but - who knows? Yer lives could like - blossom!"

"Looks like you girls have already blossomed!" leered Plucky Duck, who appeared from under a mailbox.

"Eeooww! Gag me with a spoon! Plucky, we’re trying to totally figure something private here!" exclaimed Shirley.

But Plucky wouldn’t quit.

"Your private figures seem quite well developed!" he remarked with a sly smirk. Shirley had fire in her eyes. "Like keep your dirty mind- "

KLANG! Plucky was surprised as he was flattened by an anvil, but even more surprised because it was Fifi who’d dropped it on him.


Dead Duck by Pepe K.
Art by Pepe K with Thorne

Plucky’s pupils became tiny as he watched Fifi raise her striped tail. The enraged skunkette did a handstand and blasted the lecherous duck with an extremely noxious dose of her fumes. Shirley leaped out of harm’s way, but the Pluckster had no hope.

Fifi walked on to school, grumbling and swearing in French.

Plucky was flat on his back with black crosses on his eyes.

Shirley shook her head, held her nose and propped him up.

Barely conscious, Plucky gasped, "Whud I do? Whud I do?"

Wincing at the powerful smell, Shirley said,"Well, you brought it on yerself."

Plucky’s eyes were tearing and his feathers were starting to drop out. Shirley held his head and turning her face away - took a deep breath. They had hardly talked to each other in months, since she’d stopped seeing him and now she regretted it.

"Like, hang on darlin’, I’ll cleanse yer spirit."

She raised her arms and gestured, but suddenly her head made sounds like a coughing, backfiring, dying engine. Her eyes became huge and she slumped on top of Plucky, as her aura was dragged away by an unseen force, clawing at the sidewalk.

"Shirl! Shirl!’, squeaked Plucky, " Ordinarily I’d love this but -"

"Oooh, My Powers!" Shirley moaned, sitting up dazedly, "They’re like - GONE! I feel totally blind! Mondo Disastro!" With stars and planets wheeling around her head she exclaimed, "I’m really sorry I can’t help you!"

Plucky held her hand and said quietly, "Me too... well.. C’mon."

He helped her up and taking her arm, lead her to school.

Reeking of skunkette, Plucky gasped "What a way to start college!"

At the Looniversity steps, Plucky and Shirley found Buster and Babs Bunny [soon to be related]. Babs was sporting her engagement ring Buster had given her last spring.

"Hiya Pluck-" Buster turned white and fainted from the odious duck.

Babs sniffed and went into a spin change. She emerged as Ed Grimley and quipped " Ooo, that’s a smell that’s gonna linger!"

While Plucky growled, Shirley told them. "Fifi skunked him to the max."

While Buster and Babs rolled with laughter, Plucky seethed, "Remind me never to compliment the odor-able one again!"

"HA! You just did, Plucky!" Babs laughed.

"Well at least my jokes don’t stink!" snapped Plucky.

"What’s with you, Shirl?" asked Buster.

"I’m like totally thrown fer a loop!", she exclaimed, "My powers have left me!"

"Did you settle out of court or was it a mutual decision?" quipped Babs.

"Babs, get serious" said Buster.

"Sorry, I just can’t help myself" said Babs.

"Ah, that’s been done ta death!" said Plucky.

"Are you all through?" asked Shirley impatiently, "One minute I was at centered oneness and the next, I’m like Nowheresville, man!"

"Well, I’m heading fer the showers" grumbled Plucky as he stomped into the building.

"Sorry, Pluckster -the cafeteria just ran outta tomato juice", Buster said.

With a sustained groan, the angry duck waddled of and Babs was choked with giggles.

"Don’t be gone long-" Shirley called after him," I need a seeing-eye-duck."

A screaming Montana Max ran up the stairs to grovel at Buster’s feet. "Buster! Ya gotta hide me! Elmyra’s gonna get me! Don’t let her catch me! Don’t let her put me in the bunny suit again!"

Buster considered, "Okay Monty, but it’ll cost ya!"

Monty dumped out wads of money. "Here’s all my cash, my WWF stock, my Geoffrey Dollars - and my AOL stock!"

"Hmm..not good enough, Maximilian!"

"Okay -okay! I’ll give ya my secret weapon designed to bring America’s Youth under mind control!"

"Oh yeah", said Buster, intrigued, "What secret weapon?"

"Jokemon‘!" gasped Monty.

"That dumb game - No way!"

"Aw c’mon - it was invented by a genius!"

"Monty - It may have worked - but it’s still a dumb game!."

"Oh Please, please, please!" begged Max desperately.

Buster thought for a moment as Max’s eyes bugged out.

"I’ll do it - but I’ll probably hate myself in the morning!"

Grabbing Monty by his feet, Buster stuffed him into a tree. "Hide in here!" Monty’s feet stuck out. "No, no, hide in here!" He stuffed Monty under Daffy’s heavy statue, then dragged him out by his big, flattened head. "No, no, don’t fit." He shoveled Monty under Bugs’ statue, then dragged him out by the ears up the clock tower and stuffed him into the belfry.

"The old ones are the best one’s, folks!" Buster said returning to the steps. Gogo Dodo looked out from behind the clock’s face, picked up Monty and booted him from his tower.

Babs helped Shirley to the auditorium where most everyone was gathering. They sat in the front row with Hamton and Fifi, who though holding hands, smiled a bit uneasily at each other. Monty sneaked in behind Buster, badly disguised as Boris Badenov. Buster went down front to sit with Babs. Gogo stalked in looking like Edward G. Robinson.

"They can’t do this ta me - see! Myah! Myah! I’m a citizen and a tax-payer!"

"What’s up, Gogo?" asked Babs.

"Well, Babsadoro", said the Dodo imitating William F. Buckley Jr., "It seems as if I’m being forced by the head office ( he said juggling his head) to retake a history course as a student (he said wearing a Dunce cap) or be removed from my job as school functionary!" (he said kicking himself with an iron boot).

"So you hafta be a student like the rest of us?", asked Babs, "Great! We’ll get to work together again!"

"Well", said Gogo, still in his imitation and leaning back too far in his chair, "I suppose there could be fringe benefits." He sat up again wearing a red, fringe-covered flapper dress and they both laughed fit to split.

Furball the cat leaped across row after row of heads, vainly trying to catch Sweetie Bird, who flew just out of his reach.

Everyone cringed as Elmyra approached Monty, only to see her grab both Furball and Calamity.

"EEeeooww! I Love Cute Puppies and Kitties!" she squealed.

Devil’s horns appeared on both Calamity and Furball and they began discussing a covert way of escape by holding up a lot of signs.

Bugs and the other faculty members were seated in a line stage left. Plucky ran in late and everyone within 20 feet of him held their nose and pointed to the extreme house right corner. As Plucky slunk there, Shirley got up and walked weakly back to sit with him.

"Gee Shirl, I knew ya wouldn’t abandon me in my hour of derisive shame" he said, kissing her webbed feet.

"Don’t take it so personally, not all of my senses have returned - I can’t smell a thing", she told him. After Plucky wilted she said, "... I did feel for ya...Kay?"

Plucky recovered immediately and took the hand she offered him.

Bugs advanced to the podium."Is dis ting on?" he said turning on the mike. Bugs managed to say "Settle down – " BLAM!! Elmyra was blown sky high by Calamity and Furball.

"SETTLE DOWN, YOUSE GUYS!" yelled Bugs over the mike, rattling everyone. Bugs seemed annoyed at something, but started his ‘Welcome to College speech’.

Suddenly Shirley was zapped by an extremely powerful telepathic message, {"Shirley The Loon - Be Patient -

Your Powers Shall Return - We Will Speak Later "} Shirley’s hair was frazzled and smoking, her eyes staring.

"Are you alright, Shirl?", asked Plucky, "What’s wrong?"

"The Loon you have dialed is temporarily out of order" she said in monotone.

Plucky klunked her head and there was a record scratching sound effect. Shirley looked normal again, but was woozy. "I like - felt something..."

Plucky jumped right in -"Did you feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced?!"

Across the room, Gogo said " I’ve got a bad feeling about this."

Dizzy Devil jumped up "Ytharghthppaahhburpp! No Star Wars references!!"

He gobbled up the Dodo and making a face -spat him out again in the shape of R2D2.

"QUIET!!" Bugs yelled, now thoroughly annoyed. Everyone froze in fear.

"Tank you" he said with a smirk. "Since Professah Fudd is goin’ on sabbatical dis year, I’ve been asked to take on a replacement. So, without foither adieu –"

{ES Music #1}{Introduction}

Bugs stopped as strange music filled the auditorium. It was like a beautiful lullaby sung by a ghost to her child, and was hauntingly mysterious. It was coming from everywhere - but the PA system’s speakers!

No one moved except Plucky, who looked around and dropped a pin to the floor. He went into a Clampett Corneal Catastrophe as it hit but made no sound.

Art by John Barrett

"Ahem", said Bugs, "And now I’d like ta introduce our new Professah of History, Doctor Lord."

He halfheartedly gestured offstage right and all eyes turned as the strange music rose slightly.

A tall figure moved slowly out of the shadows towards the podium. It was a large male skunk,wearing a dark tweed suit and dark glasses.

He glided majestically with his hands behind his back and his tail held high.

Fifi went into an Avery Ahoogah take, as her heart pounded out of her chest. She tried to leap up, but found herself handcuffed to a smugly sneering Hamton.

Fifi grinned back sheepishly and cowered in her seat.

The handsome new arrival at the podium paused and without a word, reached out a long arm and switched off the microphone with a pointed black claw. There was a click and the hum of the amplifiers died.

But the strange music, now sounding with wordless voices, continued. The skunk was very tall - taller even than Wile E. Coyote, who looked at the newcomer and smiled. Nearly all of the faculty was quietly smiling – all but Bugs. The Principal of Acme Loo didn’t seem upset, just serious.

The new professor looked somewhat like Pepe Le Pew, Babs thought, just twice his size. His fur was jet black, but instead of having a white face, chest and stripe – silver fur shone like polished metal.

And he wore pants!

How odd! Few toons always wore them.

Now the long fingers reached up to remove the dark glasses, revealing a lofty brow with massive dark eyebrows, a powerful jaw and a serious expression.

His eyes opened and Babs and the audience gasped staggered.

Staring out from that already strong face were two enormous silver eyes! The pupils were white cat-like triangular slits, but the huge irises were glowing silver. All the students were shocked by the piercing stare that seemed to look through them all.

The room was silent as the skunk’s awesome gaze made them hold their breath. Hamton was frozen in fear and Fifi’s mouth hung open as she stared into those hypnotic eyes.

Shirley’s hand went to the crystal on her necklace and a few others crossed themselves.

"Good morning Toonsters" said the skunk, his deep rich voice echoed unamplified and filled the vast chamber.

"Wow" Hamton whispered, looking to Fifi.

She looked puzzled, as if trying to remember something as she stared at the skunk.

"I am Doctor Lord, Professor of History and Theatre," he said with a subtle, unidentifiable accent. "It has been said that History is a dull subject - in my classes you will not find it so. You’re also in for some challenging acting courses – as my former students can attest to."

Some of the smiling faculty nodded - except Bugs, who lowered his eyes.

"I look forward to meeting you all", Dr. Lord continued, "I should like to thank Principal Bunny and the faculty for allowing me to return to teaching and I’d particularly like to thank my good friend - Daffy (good to his Mother) Duck." Lord turned to applaud Daffy who simply smiled. Then strangely, the faculty rose and clapped too.

Bug’s jaw dropped to the floor with a clang as the students all began to rise and give Daffy a standing ovation. The strange music reached a climax.

Daffy went through several extreme takes before fainting.

Of course, he then leaped to his feet and bowed repeatedly while blushing.

"Gosh folks, I’m speechleth!"

"Good" mumbled Bugs, as he stalked offstage.

Dr. Lord and the faculty watched him go, then Daffy waddled over to stand next to Lord, who towered over him.

"All right, sshow’s over Ffreshmen - now get ta classth!"

As everyone began to file out the rear doors, he turned to look up at Lord. "Don’t worry about a thing, Doc".

"Thank you Daffy," Lord said, still looking thoughtful.

"C-c-c-c-uh - Let’s go, Doc" said Porky Pig, as he and Petunia joined them.

"We’re so glad you’re back at last, Doc" said Petunia smiling.

Lord’s eyes softened and he smiled mysteriously. "Yes...It seems the young ones still have much to learn," he said as they walked out with the music following them. His tall figure made the other toons seem like children walking with their father. Petunia blushed a bit and said "Doc, Porky and I have a problem –"

Look for the next Chapters of -


coming to you soon.